Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Rockford disaster

A couple of weeks ago I ventured down to the small city of Rockford Illinois, where I was to meet a very beautiful musical theater major named Rachel. I was very excited because I had not seen her in over a year. When I got there to my surprise I was welcomed by an old lady with a heavy scandanavian accent. She first asked who I was then she tried to shove corn down my throat (corn is a reaccurring subject in this story). When I finally found Rachel we hopped in my car and drove off to her farm which was about 20 miles away, when we got there she told me that she was going to tell her grandma that we there so I waited by the car. The second Rachel was out of site, her grandma popped up with a shotgun. She had a very quizzical expression on her face because she doesn't get many visitors so she wasn't sure what to do with me so to get my attention, which she all ready had mind you. She fired a shot in the air and asked very politely, "who the fuck are you". I'm terrified at this point and about ready to shit my pants. So I try as hard as I can to force out the words "I'm Rachels friend". Thank god Rach showed up just in time to explain the situation. Sadly to my dismay the downward path in which this story starts, it continues. Rach is a farm girl and anytime there is work to be done she must do it. So she loads my van with moldy corn husk to take back to her house, this shit smells terrible, and the stank is still in my car. When we get back to her house and remove the corn husk we realize we have some unwelcomed guests in my trunk. A couple thousand ticks. "Oh joy" is what I said to this (sorry joy). I ended up spending the next hour or so cleaning my trunk and vaccuming it.After this automotive tragedy Rachel says that we have to go to her cousins birthday party. So we go. I have never seen so many rednecks in one place. Her whole goddamn family was there. They invited me to play vollyball with them so I agreed, and once the ball was hit towards me I hit it with all my might and knocked it into a neighbors fenced backyard. This was a wonderful first impression and was met with many dirty looks from her family. I volunteered to hop the fence and get the ball. Now this is a very tall wooden fence, and I had no idea of what may be waiting for me inside. So I jump over and almost break my leg, and that when I heard it. The growling of this huge fuckin dog. I had about two seconds to act before this dog bit my ass off so I ran grabbed the ball and dove head first over the fence. I landed on my arm(which still hurts). I went up to the birthday boy after this who had just turned one year old. I said "hello" and he said "brahhhhhhhhh", which was followed by him throwing up all over me. This made things perfect, because the entire family, whom already did not like me began laughing histerically at me. I went and cleaned up and Rach finally said that it was time to go.The next part of the evening went well. I took Rachel out to dinner where I began flirting, and so did she. We ended up in a park where it was about 44 degrees out. Not too bad, but I was wearing a short sleave shirt and slacks, so I was a little cold. She wanted to look at the stars so I said ok and we went to a bridge which was surrounded by beer flags of the highest quality, "caugh", MGD and Miller light was all I could see in the darkness. We laid down on this bridge and inorder to keep me warm Rach got very close to me (hehe). I was fuckin tired by the end of the night and really just wanted to go home after this disaster of a trip, so when she moved in to kiss me and I kissed her back and this went on for awhile but I really didn't want this, and I was becoming less and less attracted to her as the night went by so I said "I gotta go". So I took her home and I drove home hopeing that I would never have to face a night like that again.

2 Comments:

Blogger lil miss stickler said...

mark, that is the most cracked out story i've ever read.. you're life is like a fucking movie, one thing after another, sorry things didnt work out.. besides, could you really date a redneck like that? i mean seriously!
-cas

September 22, 2005 1:12 AM  
Blogger Stickler said...

Did you get to meet her Cow?

September 22, 2005 1:00 PM  

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